I have shared my journey as I build awareness of the sensations in my body, like what does “pain” feel like and where do I feel it?  Then the context, the story and the beliefs behind these sensations began to surface. 

As our conversation continues Brian and I explore some of the ways my life began to change and I began to see different results, different patterns in my life.

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Listen to our conversation here:

It Felt Like a Miracle

Nathan: There's other interesting pieces to like in feeling into it right now. I also remember some interesting externalities like my connection with my kids, the depth with Racey, and an openness to farm employees. All of these components that were outside of my body were also changed through this process. 

My presence with my kids, my relationship with my spouse, my patience and grace with my business, those pieces too, all of them changed. I remember those feelings as I embody that moment. 

Brian: Everything changed for you. Now you see the world through different lenses. These changes started happening before you were able to get out of bed.

Nathan: Yeah. I think even before I was consciously aware of what was happening.

Brian: Do you have a specific episode that happened where you said to yourself: I'm different or the world's different? I mean, even if you're still laying in bed.

Nathan: Oh, yeah. A thousand of them. I remember Racey coming to me with some perfect storm of a farm question, a family question that includes kids and complicated logistics. She came to me with something around the kids going here and the farm thing that is broken and this and that and what do we do? 

It is difficult to describe the difference but I remember the feeling of just listening. I remember crying a little bit, listening to her with a little tear coming out and feeling her, feeling in my own body where she was at. In the past, it was as if there was this drum in me that would take her feelings and reverberate it back to her. This time it was like the drum was gone. I could just feel what she was feeling and I completely accepted that.

We ended up with a little bit of laughing and crying and then figuring the thing out.  It was such a different experience than fighting about it, which usually ends with me feeling defensive and Racey feeling not heard. I realized in hindsight how if I have an emotional wall, guarding, that level of depth just isn't possible.

Those are the memories that come up, but I could keep going. There were so many friends that came to visit that would end up lying on my bed and sharing about their life, or employees that came with a problem saying something like: “here's this thing that's going on, can we brainstorm?” Because they were not afraid of ridicule, they knew they could come to me, and I was open and ready to hear what was going on and be of service.

Brian: I think it also highlights how challenging relationships are and how charged they can be. 

Nathan: Even the mental chatter was so different when Racey comes to me with a problem and I don't know what to do. The chatter in my head swirls around the ways why the problem should not exist. The chatter was very different in that moment. There wasn't a lot of chatter. There was just listening. I suppose I was being present. Racey was coming to me and I was able to really listen, and I noticed the lack of chatter.

Brian: I love the drum metaphor, referring back to her like a drum. You were feeling it and feeling what she was feeling and able to understand in a different way. I guess it’s really about you being able to see beyond the veil of reactivity and your own reactivity. And now you're experiencing life with more openness and non-judgment. 

So it really felt like a miracle for you, like something you had never experienced before. You opened up a whole new world of possibility for yourself.

Nathan: I'm left with a metaphor for all of this. Having done therapy and having read books where I felt like I was trying to put on different glasses, I was trying to see the world in a different way. And this was the first time it felt like I was able to take off the glasses 

Brian: Oh, I love it.

Nathan: I was in this game of which glasses am I trying to wear? It felt like forcing. Let’s try the blue glasses, now the world is blue. But what if what if I was able to take off the glasses and see the world?

Brian: See the world without glasses?

Nathan: Yeah, that's what was coming to me.